February 21, 2003 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE. 11

bigtips

Sex is different since Berlin, did he learn new tricks?

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

My boyfriend recently returned from a three-week business trip to Berlin. We were very happy to see each other, and needless to say, barely made it back to the house before getting "reacquainted."

It was fabulous, but at one point he started whaling on my ass and saying why don't we do it like we did when we first got together. I was into it, except that he's never spanked me before, ever. Later when he was sucking on me, he started doing this thing that I swear he's never done before.

We've been together for over a year and are pretty serious, but don't talk much about the relationship, and we've never talked about sex except when we're doing it. It would be weird to bring these things up, but I wonder if he was sleeping around in Germany and learning new things from other guys.

Dear Homecoming Queen,

Berliner or Tart?

Would it be a problem if he was? I don't think it's too much wallowing in relationship examination to discuss whether or not you guys are going to be monogamous or not.

That seems like an important part of a safer sex plan, too. If you know that tarting around is an option, then you keep jimmy wrapped. No value judgement, just taking care of your natural resources.

If you don't want to come on heavy, you can just frame it as though you had assumed non-monogamy until you both decided to go any other way, and maybe even that you had assumed he might shop around in Europe. It

certainly seems like he had some new influx of technique.

Of course, maybe he was just so excited to see you he pulled out all the stops and broke out some new moves. If you don't wig out, you may very well hear the truth about his trip.

Oh, and about the spanking, I can tell you from firsthand experience that it's not hard to make a mistake about what crazy thing you did with what person. I wouldn't be insulted. Since you like it, you might not ever choose to bring it up.

Dear Big Tipper,

When I was hired for my job, I was told that it was an eight-to-five position, with possible evenings or weekend work. But I assumed that of course it would be logged as comp time and I would get an equal amount of time off at some other point during the week. I was already pretty mad that I had to work eight

to five and not nine to five like in my old job.

It's turned out to be worse than I thought and is getting worse every day. My boss always gives me jobs to do right before I leave that are so important they can't wait, and I've been at work either one or both days of the weekend since I was hired months ago.

I really can't afford to quit, and it was hard to get even this job, but it pays so little that I don't even feel like that makes it worth it. My friends all think I'm whipped, and I'm exhausted and depressed and don't know what to do. My benefits aren't that good either.

The people are nice, but they're all

workaholics so they're there all these long hours so then I feel guilty for feeling like the expectations are unreasonable. My boss says that that's what computer jobs are like. Unix Eunuch

Dear RAMmed,

One of the reasons the Internet bubble popped, besides people mistaking venture capital for revenue, was the predominance of

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BIG TIPS

unsustainable work environments. You can demand an inhuman amount of work time from someone, but you damn well better be providing them with big money, excellent benefits, and an unending supply of free Mountain Dew.

Even with the Dew, eventually you hit a wall and have to get out, hopefully while your stock is worth something. Unfortunately, post-crash, there are employers still laboring under the delusion that the inhumane work culture is a natural part of the tech economy, even now that they are unable to offer much money or perks and the Dew has run dry.

If everyone there thinks it's reasonable (God help them), you may just need to start looking for something else on the sly, and get out. You can also make inflexible commitments like taking classes in the evening, or say, having a baby, that require your prompt egress at a designated time.

But ultimately, their culture isn't yours, and you've gotta go. Good luck in the hunt.

Dear Big Tipper,

I'm totally obsessed with the Columbia disaster. I can't stop surfing for news about it, even though it makes me really depressed. Tragedy Whore

Dear Compulsive Griever,

Well, it's hard not to be presented with abundant opportunities to do so, as the media obsesses over the accident. It's completely appropriate to be horrified and sad and feel deep sympathy for the astronauts' families.

Usually, though, grief has a half-life relative to how close you were to the no-longerwith-us. Without the media frenzy, you'd probably feel sad for a day or a week, and then move on to the next important thing you need to deal with in your life. That's not callous, that's the reality of living a life in a complex world.

If you find yourself obsessing over this beyond what you consider to be a reasonable period of time, you may be using the disaster to distract yourself from something else that is painful or difficult to deal with.

If you're stuck, first, do something. Send letters to the families. Make a donation to some organization that seems appropriate. Clip a few articles and stick them in a file, to ward off forgetting. Then, do something else. Get away from your computer, hang out with some people you actually know, bake a cake for your sweetie or your friends. Live your life while you've got it to live.

Send questions to the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, online at www.bigtipsonline.com, e-mail to question@bigtipsonline.com or fax to 216-

631-1052.

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